illuminated
by DeathlikePrincess
Summary: His eyes couldn't see anymore, but there was always this dazzling light behind his eyelids, keeping him company. [ Retrace 90. ]


**❝Swing with me these sorrows and try delusion for a while.  
It's such a beautiful night.  
You've got to lose inhibition, romance your ego for a while.  
Come on, give it a try.**

**Suddenly my eyes are open, everything comes into focus.  
We are all illuminated, lights are shining on our faces,  
blinding.❞**

* * *

Fear.

Fear had always been a foreign word to Xerxes Break. Fear – it was a feeling that never belonged to his world, was never allowed to belong there. Fear paralyzes. Fear takes strength. Fear takes courage. Fear would take away the decision from him, the one he made such a long time ago. And despite of what this _decision_ will take away from him, he never wanted it to slip away from his grip. This decision, the reason for his current life. To fulfill Alyss' wish.

At that time – at that time – there had been no other reason to live. Or at least this is what he told himself. Yes, at that time there was no one worth living for. It needed some time until he himself realized that those beloved ones had been there all along. Since he appeared in front of the Abyss' gate, there had always been people who loved him, esteemed him, helped him, and protected him.

He closed his single blind eye, and let the faces of those people pass his inner eye. One last time, before they will make their way to Sablier, to the town he will most likely die in.

Sharon. Her beaming smile, which warmed his heart every time it was directed at him. Her relaxed expression, when she fell asleep in her favorite armchair again, with a novel in her hands and he was the one to carry her back to her bedroom. Her blushing cheeks when he teased her and pinched her cheeks gently.

Shelly. She died under his hands, with him unable to do something against it. Sharon had this heartwarming smile obviously from her. He remembered her warm hands on his cheeks, and his teary eye, as she breathed her last breath. He didn't allow himself to cry that night.

Sheryl. Her smile was always calming, just like the way she talked to him when he was worried over Sharon. He always knew he could rely on her, ask her for a little tea hour, tell her about his problems. Even if it was embarrassing sometimes. He remembered the shock it had been, as he found her bleeding in this garden, together with Sharon.

He was always unable to protect the ones he loves.

Gilbert. His extremely rare smile that was given to him from time to time. How he gets red every time Break teases him over the fact that he is a good-for-nothing, claims him useless. How he gets annoyed over Break's stupid behavior. His aggressive and very amusing expression when Break stole his cigarettes once again. The memory of how he suddenly started baking and cooking for him, worried over his well being.

Oz. The quiet mornings they spent practicing together. This brat never won, not even once, and he never will. Since Break won't be able to practice with him in the near future … Their little tea hour together, where he lent Oz his coat. The way he offended Break without any holding back, always honest and straightforward. It was always refreshing to talk with him.

And finally … Reim. Reim, who did his paperwork over and over again, complaining, but never refusing to do so. Reim, who smiled only in his best moments, who shouted at him over and over again when Break had done something wrong. In a mysterious way, Reim was always the one who caught him when he fell asleep in a random place again, and he was always the one who carried him back to his room. Reim, who still stood by his side, even after the exposure of his past.

Reim, who almost died because of him. He could still remember the smell of blood, as Fang's words caused to start a sort of mechanism inside of him. The thirst after revenge. The moment, before he entered the place his friend had 'died' inside.

The fear he had felt.

And today, here, in this town, at this last quiet moment – here, he admitted to himself that he indeed is scared. Not scared of dying, not at all. But scared of losing his family once again. And it was the first time in his life as Xerxes Break that he accepted this feeling and took it with him on his path. Although this path will find its end soon enough.

He sighed quietly as he slowly came back into reality. A smile crept on his lips as he heard how Sharon and Sheryl said goodbye to each other. He felt strangely weightless, as if he is nothing but dust, as if he could disappear into wind at any second …

"Xerxes!"

He freezed briefly and felt how all of his senses found their way back to him again, as his heart missed a beat and reached for his attention. He finally felt the ground under his feet again. The same feelings as back then, as Reim's voice reached him, although he was supposed to be dead.

He could feel the brown hazel eyes on him, as he turned around and faced his friend. His mouth remained close, waiting for him to continue. He already knew what the Hare wanted to say.

"Xerxes, I–"

"If you come along, you will only be a burden~!", he chirped, without hesitation. Playfully, he lifted his wooden cane and grinned at his friend.

"Y-You didn't even listen to what I was going to say!", Reim stammered angrily.

"But that's what you wanted to say, right?"

Short silence. Break assumed that his was an answer to his question.

"Take care of Lady Sheryl."

"… I will."

He could imagine the concerned look on the other's face all too well. And he wanted to do nothing else, but to embrace him, to kiss him one last time, to feel how those arms wrap around him, feel his warmth and smell his scent. Because he knows there won't be a next time for all those things. He won't return. He will never hear his voice again.

He never wanted Reim to see him like this. To watch him die, fade away, because he knows how much it hurts to have someone dying under your hands, without being able to save them. And he never wanted Reim to die a second time, just because he wants to protect Break.

With his slim fingers closed to a light fist, he pushes his hand against Reim's chest, hoping that he understands all those hidden words, hidden feelings. Like Reim always did it. And won't do it ever again.

"I'm counting on you", was the last thing he said, before he turned around and took a few steps. If he would've remained that close to Reim, he would've ended up in his arms anyway.

"Xerx!" Again, the voice of his friend made him miss a heartbeat, and he turned his head to pretend to look at him.

However, it needed a moment until Reim could bring himself to answer. As usual. He never knew how to express his feelings properly …

"Don't … throw your life away!"

He stared at the silhouette for a moment, before he caught himself again, kept himself from drowning. "Sure", he called, and it sounded too happy for this situation, too happy for the meaning behind Reim's words. Nothing had changed. This was still his Reim, and he would always be like this, no matter what will happen in the future.

And as he turned away one last time and followed his waiting friends, a single thought suddenly came up in his mind. Maybe, but just maybe, this dazzling light behind his eyelids could be the people, who stayed by his side every single day.


End file.
